from the journals of;

How to take a girl on a date.

After a very unfortunately horrible blind date that was “better than a movie”, being asked out in painfully lame and disappointing ways, and hearing several other terrible stories about dates in response to telling mine, I was inspired to write about the proper way a guy should go about taking a girl on a date. This may seem a little harsh, but this epidemic of boys who don’t know how to date needs to stop. With that said, the important elements of a proper date are as follows:

1. The Background Check

Do: Before going about asking the lucky lady on a date, different precautions must be taken. You’ll want to make sure she’s single as well as confirm that she’s not crazy. Because, let’s face it: a lot of girls are. (And for this very reason I would advise Freshman and most Sophomores to strongly consider not dating, as there is a high chance that they have not yet grown out of this embarrassing phase of life.) You can evaluate her craziness level by simply hanging out with her in group settings, or by Facebook stalking. And yes, we all do it. No, it’s not weird. As long as you keep it mild to moderately intrusive. Anything above that will earn you a right to wearing your dad’s old eye glasses and growing a creepy mustache. Symptoms of this common teenage-girls’ condition include obsessive texting/tweeting/Facebook chatting/awkward conversing in immense quantities. Also, if her relationship status on Facebook changes every-other day and she’s constantly posting sappy lyrics about heartbreak, you’ll want to stay far, far away.

Don’t: Things you won’t want to do in order to gain important information about your victim include interrogating her friends, asking other people (your friends, etc.) to confront her for you, and reading through hundreds of results after typing her name into Google. Don’t do that. All you’re going to find are her accounts on Facebook (which I’m SURE you already have), Etsy, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, and Myspace. And let’s face it, Facebook gives you more information about her than you need to collect from the internet. Another method to avoid is asking her these awkward and intrusive questions to her face before you’ve even asked her out. Pulling a “Where’s yo boyfran at?!” or passing her a note asking, “Do you have a boyfriend???” (and yes, this has happened to me) will result in your getting shut down before you’ve even embarrassed yourself by asking her out.

2. The Proposal of The Date

Do: The only reason you should be at this step of the process is if you’ve confirmed that she is both single and sane. Now, before you do any asking, take a few moments to reflect inwards upon yourself. Ask yourself, “Do I have a chance with this girl?” Have you talked to her before? Has she ever shown any small bit of interest in you? Do you even know her name? Take these all into careful consideration. If you answered “no” to any one or combination of these questions, stop right here. There is no need for you to continue thinking about asking this girl out. No need, whatsoever. Now that you’ve asked yourself some insightful questions, it’s time to think about popping the question. First rule, ask her yourself. Be risk-taking and show some initiative. Talk to her in person, make eye contact, be confident, be witty, be charming. If this seems too difficult to grasp (and I have to say this, because to some guys it sadly is), practice in front of the mirror or role play with a friend before attacking the situation head-on. Important memo: Real life is not the internet. So don’t chat her up on that good old FB with your dating proposal.

More Don’t’s: Do not be awkward, do not ask her friends to ask her for you, do not use texting, facebook, Twitter, email, or any other social networking/electronic device as your medium of asking her out. This is not Jr. High. Do not look down at the ground, do not ask her out at the gym while she’s running 47 miles per hour on the treadmill, do not ask her while there is food in her mouth. Just don’t do it. Okay?

3. Timing of The Date

Do: Set a reasonable time for the date. Pick an afternoon time to keep it casual and un-awkward. These typically involve more fun and exciting things to do. This way she’ll smile a lot and be able to see how cute your face is in the sunlight. Pick an evening time give off a more romantic and impressive vibe. She’ll feel like Cinderella getting ready for the Ball. Along with the Cinderella analogy, have her home before midnight so that a) no one gets any ideas or asks any questions, b) you don’t piss off the Fairy Godmother and get all her awesome and magical stuff taken away, and c) well, because this is Liberty University and we have to be back by curfew anyways. No one wants Reps.

Don’t: Don’t set your date for an awkward in-between-meal-times time. No 10am’s or 3pm’s. Also, breakfast is never a good idea for the first date or in the beginning of a relationship. I’m sure she doesn’t already like you enough to give up sleeping in so she can have breakfast with you at the butt-crack of dawn. Don’t tell her you’ll pick her up at 4:43pm (yes, this has happened to me before). Also, don’t text her at 11:48pm asking to hanging out. That sounds like a booty call. And if you’re dumb enough to do that, then it probably is. Unacceptable.

4. Picking The Location

Do: Make. A. Plan. Actually put some thought into where you want to take her. Do some research and find out different things she likes and enjoys and go from there. Be cute and thoughtful about it. This will impress her. The goal is to wow her with your creativity and make her feel like it’s a privilege to take her out. Because it is.

Don’t: Do not pick her up and wander around aimlessly. Do not ask her what she’d like to do, where she’d like to go, or if she has any ideas. If you leave it up to her, all you’re going to get is a bucket full of “I don’t know’s” and an immense amount of disapproval. Do not make her walk through dirt in her cute shoes. Do not make her jump any fences to places where you’re not supposed to be. Do not make her walk all around parking lots, furniture stores, or fields of grass that lead to no where. (Yes, these things have also all happened to me. Horrible.)

5. Content of the date

Do: Engage her in conversation. Make her feel special and pretty and worthy of being taken out on a date because, dang it, she is. Be yourself. Impress her without being somebody or something you’re not. Make her laugh. Pay for her meal, coffee, ice cream, etc. If you want this to go anywhere past a first date, then act in such a way that will make this happen.

Don’t: Do not show off. We don’t care about your insane COD skillz at pwning noobs. We don’t care about how many pounds you can bench press, or how much more muscle mass you have than all of your friends. We don’t want to see the tribal tattoos around your biceps and calves. And we REALLY don’t care about your ex girlfriends or girls you’ve previously taken out on dates. Stop bragging about things that don’t matter to the world at all. Another good pointer: stay off your phone. You’ve got a pretty girl sitting in front of you. There’s no need to be texting anyone or playing an intense game of Words with Friends. I know it’s wildly addicting, but you can play your fantastic point-winning word in an hour. It will be there waiting for you, trust me.

Okay. Now that we’ve gotten through these steps, here are some other suggestions.*I understand that these preferred qualities may be hard to follow, but I don’t care. I’m allowed to be picky after enduring many sickening attempts at dates/being asked out. HOKAY.

Love God more than anything

Grow an awesome beard

Wear nice shoes that match your outfit

Chew with your mouth closed

Play wicked awesome music on the way to your location

Grow an awesome beard

Tell cheesy jokes

Be a dog person

Have good taste in music

Grow a freakin’ awesome beard

Have a tattoo or two. Or a dozen.

Play an instrument (preferably guitar or piano)

Please, dear Lord, grow an amazing beard.

Oh, and you’re welcome.